can't sleep....

I've been doing a lot of thinking....too much for comfort...

There is so much imagery in my head that I just don't know how to process.

A bloody nose.

"Spankings."

A pulled rifle.

An unwanted encounter.

A chunk of my mothers hair in my hand.

Being dragged across a hardwood floor.

Smashed knick knacks.

A cut up arm.

Bruises on my hip.

It's no wonder I feel so angry all the time.

My history. Violence. Threatened. Physical. Sexual. All real. All vivid.

I've been thinking about healing. How, when. Mostly how.

My silence.

My kids.

My humor.

All my protection, my crutch.

My saving grace.

I have seen too much. But I haven't even really looked.

To examine and redefine now, the thought, paralyzing.

To not, also, paralyzing.

Because I have realized that everytime I meet someone who thinks I am amazing all it does is remind me of how unamazing I actually am. And how stagnant.

Maybe this is why I do everything aggresively, violently. It's all I know....

And without ordeals I am reminded of my weaknesses.

All I know is I'm hanging onto anger and it's weighing me down.

Wasted energy is inefficient and I hate inefficiency.

But how do you release your anger that is directed towards others when doing so makes you angry with yourself?

It is a war I just do not know how to fight.

An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.

I have seen too much but feel like I can't see anything at all. Not a goddamned thing.....